A Pastor's Wife Reflects, Part Two

On the beginning of parish life and what I wish I'd known

May 04, 2024

We've marked that sacred date known LCMS-universally as "Call Day." Soon, we'll hear about ordinations and installations of candidates all over the country (and maybe in your neighborhood) throughout the summer. Due to these blessed events, I've been thinking about my own experience as a pastor’s wife in that stressful, awesome process.

Years ago, when Jon was approaching five years of ministry, I wrote about seven things I wish I would have known before he headed into the mission field. While Jon was glad and thankful to receive a call, lest you think he was or is the tripping-merrily type. he was decidedly more cautious and realistic about what we were about to enter than I was. I was the cockeyed optimist in our marriage, and I was the one viewing our new life with a full, open heart and definite rose-colored glasses.

Me, so gloriously happy to be at our first church in a new town! Source.

Though I’ve edited the following somewhat, I still stand by the vast majority of what I wrote in 2011. In the five years since we’d arrived at Jon’s first parish in mid-2006, I’d started and finished my MA studies. We’d had two little boys and were expecting our first daughter. And, unbeknownst to us, we were gradually, achingly coming out of some of the hardest times Jon has experienced as a pastor. It had been a busy, burdensome five years. So my days of happy lark singing were much more measured, tempered, and also richly blessed by our experiences.

A small clarifier and a request:

My husband and I are both non-pastor's kids, or "PKs" as the mostly fond acronym goes. PKs who become pastors or pastors’ wives tend to have a much better idea of what ministry life is like than we did. And even after nearly eighteen years in several parishes, I am hardly a pastor's wife expert to women who are married to men who are near, either direction, to ordination and installation. You pastors’ wives reading this have so much insight, experience, maturity, and I imagine much more patience than I do as you live in your PW vocations. So please add advice and thoughts in the comments below! Our PW sisters—future and perhaps present—will benefit.

Seven Things I Wish I Would’ve Known as a New Pastor’s Wife

1. Your life as a pastor's wife is not like your life as a vicar's wife.

Our vicarage year was honestly like a year-long vacation. Yes, it held stresses and crosses, but mostly it held joy, a huge amount of support, and immediate and sustained friendships with people who loved us literally on sight. It was everything anyone could want in a vicarage—which is how vicarages should be; safe, learning experiences within the loving embrace of a congregation (or two).

But life at a church as a pastor and pastor's wife is very different. The timetable is different, the responsibilities, seen and unseen, are different, the stresses are far different. And this is good. It's real life! But you can't expect a replica of your vicarage. (And for those of you who had an awful vicarage, this is really good news!)

2. Your congregation needs time to get to know you...

That's "you" meaning your husband, "you" meaning you, and "you" meaning your entire family dynamic. I thought friendliness, vivacity, warmth, and learning people's names really fast would mean people would warm up to and trust me, and us, fairly quickly. For a few (like a handful), it did. For most, it didn't. After almost five years and some really, really tough times, people started to really open up to us. It’s a not-news flash that congregations are full of sinners. And sinners, wouldn’t you know, have wildly different ways of approaching and trusting others.

I learned that most people have to see, literally, that others care, and at least in our situation, that meant seeing that we'd stick around long enough to prove that we weren't just looking for somewhere else to go. Three years was about the maximum timetable for young pastors in our first area, and we heard that a LOT from members and non-members. "You've been here three years? I guess you'll be moving on soon, huh?" said one local to us a few summers into Jon’s ministry, not realizing how clearly she articulated what many people were thinking. And every congregation's time frame for getting to know you is different, too. But I'd guess it's almost always in the multiple years category, not the multiple months category. So be patient.

3. ...and you need time to get to know your congregation. I'm an outgoing person, and I'll have one terrific conversation with someone and think I really "get" them. (You readers who know me or who’ve read me are shocked, shocked at this.) I guess this is good in its own way. But it's not great for applying the time rule. The first people who really reached out to us when we first arrived at our first church—invited us over for dinner, helped us out a lot as we moved and settled—are terrific people. In our case, they also were the ones who wanted certain actions or acquiescence from my husband in his role as pastor. When he didn’t go along right away, or fully, or not at all, their interactions with both of us became much more distant and impersonal. That was hard for us, and me in particular, who thought we were all friends!

At the same time, people who were friendly but a little distant to us initially became more and more close to us over the years. And I've learned that learning about people and what they're like over time—like multiple circles around the sun—is probably best. You want to try to meet everyone anyway (if that's possible for you), and you'll need lots of time for that. And it's nice to age with your congregation. It's special. You suffer together, you joy together. But none of that happens during a 30-second commercial break.

4. Together with your husband and family, establish what formal church involvement you will have.

I heard this from veteran pastors' wives before we arrived, and this proved invaluable. Many PWs learn to say "no" after years of struggling with too much responsibility in the parish. It's much easier if you start out with certain parameters in place—that is, you stay uninvolved formally for at least six months, then converse with your husband and family, then slowly begin committing yourself to things, if at all.

The opinion of most importance in determining your (and your children's, for that matter) involvement is your husband's. This is an extremely controversial thing to say, even to traditionally conservative Lutheran women! But this is true. Your husband is the pastor. He’s the one with the call. He will know the church people and the various church organizations far better than you, even if you tag along with him frequently. He also knows you! I have been blessed by a husband who, at times, has told me he wants me to do something that I don't think I want to do, but, after doing it, I realize that it is for the best. He also has told me what organizations or participation he thinks I should NOT get involved with. He has saved me from much frustration and hardship and heartache by helping me say, gently but deliberately, “No, thank you.” So talk to your wonderful husbands and trust them! Then you can muddle through together.

I have also found, as a mother with young children, that some of my most meaningful involvement is not formal. It happens with the occasional visit with shut-ins, sharing conversation with people over coffee at various church events (even really informal ones), standing in hallways or store aisles and listening to family updates, talking on the phone with members. We like to entertain and have people over, which has been seasonally adjusted for us (the months right after a child is born or in the midst of shared illness are not times we tend to have people over, for instance). But I recognize that my involvement at church—just like my life as a wife and a mother—will change over time and with circumstances. Yours will, too.

5. Your husband needs you to be his wife (and your children's mother) before he needs you to do anything else for him.

Not church involvement, not community involvement, not continuing your education, not advancing your career. Not anything else. This is controversial—and if I'd heard a pastor's wife say it eighteen years ago, I know I would have been offended. I thought then that I could do pretty much everything in my life well if I had the chance to prove it. That was laughably naïve and not a little prideful.

Here's what I've learned: if you desire your husband to be faithful, to be dedicated, and to persevere through hardship, he needs you to be his rock at home. My husband says he does not regret that I went back to school almost as soon as we moved to his first call. He says it was okay that I spent our first three years in the parish immersed in a graduate program fifty miles from our town, our church, and our home. I can't change it now (and I'm not going to give back the fancy piece of paper I got for it, at any rate). But I look back, and for many reasons, I wish I would have waited.

The most important reason I wish I would have waited was because I think my husband missed receiving my full support. He missed it because my energy and focus were divided between him and our life at church and my own studies and teaching. Maybe other women can balance this successfully. I know that he and I lost opportunities in those years to talk and support each other in our marriage. Now I realize that my life revolves around my husband's need for my support and our family. And that support has changed over the years—what it looks like, what it requires of me and our family. If God wills for me to pursue a career outside the home at some point, I pray He makes it really obvious to me and to my husband. In the meantime, I know He is strengthening our marriage by drawing us closer together as a family. And that can only benefit us in the long run, and the church.

6. Life is now in a fishbowl. Therefore, get a father confessor—for your sake and your husband's sake.

Vocations cross now in ways they don't elsewhere. It's not just that people can see what you do and judge you accordingly. You will be held to higher standards that can be unfair. It's also that your own individual lives get bound up in your husband's vocation as pastor. You can't go anywhere—especially in a small town—without knowing you'll be seen as a (or the!) pastor's wife. This is a sacrifice of individual autonomy for you that's inevitable. And you will resent it at times, and this comes out most often as resentment and frustration toward your husband—for not having enough time or energy for you or your children, for not making enough money, for not being in a field that gives you "me" time, for whatever reasons. And because of this, you need to find a father confessor, a pastor you can talk to or call to confess your resentment, frustration, selfishness, and all those other sins you commit, and to receive forgiveness without having specific spousal issues get in the way.

Early on, my husband and I relied sporadically upon a pastor that served as a mentor for my husband before his seminary days to serve as our father confessor. We both have called him at different times; he's listened to our confessions and given us absolution. When we were in his area (he was a state away from us), we visited with him and his wife. We also went to our circuit visitor individually and together for the same thing, which was a huge blessing to be able to meet in person. I called a long-time pastor who presented at a pastors’ wife conference to discuss things on my conscience. I’ve also gone to individual confession and absolution with other pastors. My husband has, too. These times have been invaluable. Pastors and their wives need pastors, too. So get thee to a father confessor, or more than one. They are there to serve you.

7. Be patient and pray for contentment, remembering your particular vocations.

My sinful flesh hates this one, because I'm impatient and a control freak. But God is teaching me patience over time, and in the process He is drawing me closer to Himself. Here's how it might play out for you as a pastor’s wife.

You might love your congregation and want to stay forever—and God might call your husband elsewhere right when you think everything is how you want it. You might want nothing better than to move one thousand miles away—and God might want your husband to serve where you are for years—maybe even a decade or more. You might wonder why your husband doesn't seem to be doing as a pastor what you think he should be doing. You might wonder how your husband can be working so hard and trying so hard to pastor people and they don't seem to want his service, care for it, or accept it unless it's on their terms. But God wants your husband and you in this particular place. You might not know why now or ever, but He does. He also knows how much you both can handle, and if you are struggling with burdens that seem unbearable, He will guide you out of them. Sometimes this happens with time, or with another call, or with a resignation and a life elsewhere.

It’s important to remember to what pastors’ wives are called to and what they are not. Rebekah Curtis from Concordian Sisters1 wrote on this years ago.

This parish owes me nothing. They called my husband, not me. I feel like I owe them for their willingness to call a married pastor. He is less available to them than a celibate pastor would be. They have also accepted the burden of providing a wage fair to a man with a family. They are the ones making the sacrifices. I cringe whenever one of these dear people apologizes to me for having called upon him in their need. That's why he's here.

Do not ever hesitate to call or to keep him as long as you need him. You gave me this great big house to keep me busy while he's gone. You are the ones who have given us this life which we love. You have adopted my children and me as friends and neighbors. Thank you. Thank you.

Other than the parsonage reference, she spoke my thoughts better than I could, and she got me thinking. I often am overwhelmed by how much I will never, ever be able to adequately thank, much less repay, all of the wonderful people we knew and know as our church family. That we (meaning me and our family besides my husband) give any of them anything of value is a mere pittance compared to what we get from them. And maybe that's the point, we all being part of this family of God: that we, unable to give Him anything, receive everything from Him in return.

Remembering this is crucial as we evaluate our desires and expectations (see number 5 again above). God calls pastors to parishes. The vocation of pastor is heavy and specific. And so is the vocation of wife. Just because being a wife isn’t formally recognized outside of uses of “Mrs.” does not mean our wifely vocations are less than or unimportant. Quite the contrary! Our roles have been blessed by God, too. God chose our husbands. Our husbands chose us. We hold priceless places in our husbands’ lives. And our vocations are different than those of the men we love who bear the mantle of the priesthood.

As distinct as our vocations can be, pastors and their wives can share similar burdens. A very real truth little known or understood in the non-pastor-and-PW-world is that many pastors and their wives suffer from depression, loneliness, and mental illness. I understand now why the percentage of ministers and families who suffer from this is high. And I thank God He provides us with loving friends, experts, and resources to deal with this. Depression and its iterations are not weaknesses borne by the less-than-stalwart among us. They are crosses God, in his mysterious, infinite wisdom, has given us. They try our patience, test our commitment, and they can break us. Sometimes these are mysteries we eventually understand, and sometimes they aren’t. Ultimately, Christ in His mercy uses crosses to draw us closer to Him. And we can be eternally thankful that He walks with us in this, too. One of my favorite verses is from Deuteronomy and also quoted in Hebrews speaks to this.

Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.

This is true, always.

Here is something else that is true at the exact same time.

God also gives us joys as pastors' wives that far outweigh the burdens. The burdens can be hard, extremely hard. But you will witness countless examples of Christ's love from members to your husband, to you, to your children and maybe even your extended family. You will be privy to baptisms, catechizing and confirmations, weddings, funerals of saints called to glory. You will see Christ loving people from conception until death. Real life, real, intense, overwhelming love from our Savior to your dear congregation. And you get to witness it every week, every day. This is a miracle. Few people share this perspective—and those who do, like other pastor's wives, understand what you suffer and what you joy. And we are here for you!

So we read the Word and pray continually—for ourselves, for our husbands, for our families, for our churches and all the people in them. This is a responsibility and a privilege. And we share it with other Christians, who are also called to pray to our Lord, who bears all of our burdens and gives us all joy.

A pastor's wife holds a wonderful vocation. For those sisters struggling in this vocation, take heart. Christ has already overcome the world for you. For those sisters just starting in this vocation, take heart. Christ knows the plans He has for you, and your husband, and your family—plans to prosper you and not to harm you. I, and so many others, am excited for what lies ahead for you. May God keep you in His wonderful grace always.

For those PWs who have advice for other sisters in this role, please leave a comment. If you’re not a PW but hold wisdom as a parishioner you’d like to share, please do that, too.

A Good Wilderness

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